Two fine ass black men on a mission to up hold the ideals of fierceness and hotness from the streets of Jacksonville to the cities of the world. And if you are fierce you will be celebrated as you deserved, but beware if you look, act, smell, or sound like a hot mess, you will be ASSASSINATED!(Verbally, not fo realz!)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Losing my Happy Face!

Happy Face - Destinys Child
I was leaving Skittles' place tonight and I had a Destiny's Child CD in the car and this song came on. To anyone who listens to this song, should feel happy and their spirit should lift. Not me. It's not like I don't like the song or the members or Destiny' Child, but with all the drama surrounding me, I have truly lost my happy face. Here is a little side of me that I feel I most share to help you understand where whats going on. For some time now I have had moments of deep depression and even though I have not been clinical diagnosed with it, I know I have it chronic depression. I know everyone has moments when all their stress is to much to handle and you feel down. But for me, it comes in waves and it doesn't really have to be a stressful or sad occasion(even though I have plenty with my mother, work, and finances!), but some days I feel like not even getting up or worst, having thoughts of giving up on life(I know I won't kill myself, but sometimes its hard to not think its better that am not around). But I was blessed to have two tings to help me through it, God and Skittles. After having so many dark periods in my life, I had to give my faith to God to help me through the darkness and to Skittles to help me value life and enjoy the light. So for the past year I haven't been depressed or down like before and even though drama in my life has cause me to break down, both God and Skittles have helped me through. But this week, all of it has changed. For some reason after the most relaxing and needed vacation, the darkness has returned and I am feeling less faithful to clear it away. The moment I returned home the drama started, destroying all the goodness I felt and build up that week. All the problems of the past came back full force, which I knew would happened, but I thought after a breather, I could handle them better. And then there's Skittles. Skittles may not say this, but I feel me and him are beyond soul mates and are each other's ying and yang. If I am up he's down and I am there to bring him up and visa versa until we are at that perfect equal emotional field. But now after the trip, Skittles with his own stresses is down, but for some reason I just can bring him up. We had times like this and it always works its self out, but now its killing me and taking me to the darkness again. Now I am not saying that the reason I am now feeling depressed again is because of Skittles. What I am saying is that this depression I had under control is back and its affecting how I interact with the one I love and I feeling more down because I can't help him when he's down. It makes no sense to me, things at work are fine and I maybe getting full time, my money may not be overflowing, its still has flow, and I have people around me who love and care for me, but I feel on the verge of tears and feel like I being sucked into a pit of darkness. I know this is long, personal, and depressing to others(If anyone is actually reading this blog) but I just needed to let this out, in hopes that it may clear away some of the darkness and maybe I could find my Happy Face!

Posted By: Peaches!